Almost everyone has experienced love from someone or felt love for someone at some point in their lives. But love is not one shade. It is neither white nor black. Love is a collection of many colours. If you can see a shade or a particular number of shades, it’s because of your position when the light passes through the spectrum. No, we are not talking about colours but only using them to explain that people experience and give love differently. The colour of love we see and relate to depends on factors like intelligence, experience and personal development, which stands for the light that passes through us.
You have heard stories of friends who liked a person for thrills and attraction but never moved beyond physical attraction. Of course, you might have had the experience yourself. But, in a turn of events, you or your friends must have found people you wanted to experience more than just physical connections with because you are in love with them. It goes without saying that falling in love with someone is different from being in love.
The difference in how people view love accounts for the fact that there are different ways of
giving love, but there are also other ways of receiving it. For example, some don’t want love laced with accountability, commitment or serious emotional attachments. If you give them a full dose of love because you are in love with them, they can’t handle it. The “falling in love” stage is all they have to offer. Others consider the falling in love stage as settling for less and wanting you to be in love with them at some point.
Knowing the type of love someone is willing to offer you and the variety you are ready to accept is essential. That is why we are differentiating between falling in love and being in love for you to make an informed decision.
Inception stage
When you first meet someone, there is a personality of theirs that draws you to them. It could be how they speak, how articulate they are, their physical features or the eminent values they appear to stand for. It is easy to fall for them instantaneously because you don’t know the real them. However, it would be best if you remembered that people have automatic behaviour, courage, persona, comportment, craziness etc. when they meet people for the first time.
So, when you find someone that is loud and confident, the more you get to know them, you find out they are timid but then front confidence, so they don’t take advantage of them. It is easy to fall in love with their friendly version but will the story remain the same if you saw each other for who you were, for all your vulnerabilities? Do you want each other to stay the way you were at the beginning when you first met, or are you ready to unveil another layer of each other’s personality? Your moment of truth lies in whatever answers you give yourselves.
Commitment to relationship
Sometimes, the level of commitment both parties are willing to put into the relationship
differentiates between the state of falling in love and being in love. There are partners you meet, want to party with, hang out and have sex with, but you don’t see them in your long-term or family goals. Sometimes, the feeling is mutual for both parties, and the binding glue in the relationship is fun and thrills. It’s like getting high on drugs.
Other times, one party wants more, family, accountability, exclusivity and security. In the latter instance, it becomes pertinent for parties to know which type of love they are willing to offer and ensure that it aligns with what the other party is expecting to receive. People have many reasons for commitment and non-commitment, and it behaves you to ask the right clarifying questions and not assume or get carried away. Remember, their position determines the colour of light they see through the spectrum.
Room for growth
The degree to which you are willing to grow and allow your partner to increase is the same
degree to which you are committed to the relationship and showing your partner love. On the flip side, the degree to which you are willing to remain unchanged and expect the same from your partner is the degree of how vested you are in the relationship.
Meeting someone you love inspires you to be a better version of yourself for them. You become attentive to their needs and develop yourself physically, financially, emotionally and all around.
That way, you are gifting them your best. They also work on areas you have pointed out they should improve because they are in love with you and committed to the relationship. When you fall in love with someone, the thought of them changing from what attracted you to them scares you. There is hardly time for conversations around self-improvement and couple development because partners can get bored of each other anytime.
Trust test
Another test for falling in love and being in love is the trust between both parties. For most
people that don’t want to elevate from the falling in love stage, there is a lack of trust between them. The lack of trust can present itself in two folds. One is uncontrolled jealousy, and the other disregards the other party’s behaviour. In the case of the latter, it is as if their ability to trust or not trust their partner is all the same to them, and they don’t care.
Lovers who have crossed to the being in love stage feel the need to act in a trustworthy manner and expect the same from their partners. Persons in love also don’t feel the need to second-guess or feel insecure and threatened by their partner because of the trust that they have developed in themselves. Trust is not easy between two people, but people who love each other intentionally trust each other, set parameters that work for them, and keep them in check.
The future or just now
In one of the forms of love, there will be a lot of talk about the future, making plans and setting goals to achieve these plans. In another form of love, the focus is on the next place to eat, party, have sex, drink, and have fun. Your guess is as good as mine for which scenario fits which type of love. Falling in love is about here and now or the next fun spot if they stretch their imagination a little. But, on the other hand, being in love puts into account that what you do today and now greatly affects your future. So, there is intentionality in making decisions and working on personal and relationship goals with a mix of fun and living in the moment.
Them or an idea of them
Being in love is patient while falling in love is always in a rush. It takes someone who is in love with you to be patient enough to learn how you reason, what makes you tick and the convictions behind your standards. Since they know you are constantly evolving, they create space to install your updated version every time. They are relating with you on the level you’re at and not the level they hope you should already be at.
It is hard to balance your desired growth for your significant other and be patient with them to grow at their own pace without putting pressure on the relationship. That’s where having someone you’re in love with and feeling the same way about you makes it possible to love your authentic selves— the flawed, work-in-progress selves.
When you and your partner want to keep falling for each other and enjoying the adrenaline rush from falling, it becomes inconceivable that you or your partner are capable of wanting more than fun. When you like the idea of a person, you are tempted to pressure them to act, dress, eat, speak, work and behave in a certain way. Where the partner cannot meet up with your ideal specification, you lose interest in them and move on to the next.
Conclusion
In the real sense, love means different things to different people, which is why your idea of love must align with anyone you want to show any form of love. Where interests align, there is no good or bad love, just common ground.
What you are offering must be what the recipient is expecting to receive. Else, you’ll give pearls to a dog, and they won’t know the first thing about using them. It is easier to develop a relationship with someone standing on the same side of the spectrum and seeing a similar shade of light as you when the light passes through the spectrum.
