Marriage is great but challenging; it stretches you and sometimes makes you emotionally
drained. So if you are planning to get married or engaged, there are some must-have
conversations to have with your potential partner before marriage.
There is no formula for a successful marriage or relationship. However, specific conversations help lovers better understand themselves and if you want them in their life. Those conversations will include your values, love language, likes, and dislikes.
So, if you want dealbreakers exposed and compatibility revealed, you must have the following conversation with your partner before agreeing to tie the knot with them.
1. Sexual Values
What are your sexual values? Do you love sex, or are you satisfied with warm hugs and cuddles? This is one of the most important conversations you can have before marriage. First, however, you must understand that sexual values are different from sexual preferences and be able to distinguish the two subjects.
Sexual preferences are negotiable. For example, it could be your preference for sex with men or women.
Meanwhile, sexual values are primarily non-negotiable. For example, do you value oral sex
during lovemaking? How do you both feel about masturbation or sex toys in a relationship?
Having this conversation will help you know if you share similar values and if you are
compatible with your partner.
If you don’t know this thing before marriage, chances are that you will become sad if you
eventually, find out your sexual values are very different from your partner’s.
2. Premarital counselling
To learn from the experience of others, you should invest in premarital counselling. This is very beneficial because it exposes you to what other people do to make their marriage work. During counselling, we see potential red flags blocked by our thinking due to being in love.
It is also possible that your counsellor made mistakes earlier in their marriage. They will help you avoid the same mistake that would have broken their marriage. Premarital counselling is priceless also because it will teach you how to communicate, resolve conflict and treat each other better.
3. Do We Have a Common Vision of the Future?
Does your vision for the future align with your partner’s vision? For example, find out if you
want to live abroad and if your potential partner desires to remain in their country of birth. When you share a common vision, it will be easier to support each other because you understand the requirement to fulfil the dream.
Chances are that if your vision differs from your partner, you two may grow apart because you are chasing different things. In talking about your vision for the future, you can also include the number of children and the career path you would take.
Marriage is meant to be a harmony of visions, so vastly different ideas could tear couples apart.
4. How Much Influence Should Family Have on Our Marriage?
In some cultures, marriage is not just between individuals but two families coming together to give and accept a new family member through marriage. After marriage, most women take their partner’s surname because they have joined a new family.
And when you join a new family, they will have expectations, and you too will have your
expectation, but if you don’t have a conversation about this, you may not know the boundaries to set. For example, your partner may have a child with his ex. Would you allow the child to live with you?
What relationship do you want your partner to have with your parent and siblings? Of course, your partner should have a cordial relationship with your nuclear family members, but will you tolerate disrespect of your partner by your sibling? Knowing all of these things is better before agreeing to marry anybody.
5. Core Values
If your core values are not in sync with your partner, you will gradually grow apart. Values are principles and standard behaviours that are very important to individuals. Sharing similar core values with your partner gives you an idea of the big picture: religion, spirituality, number of children, health, exercise, money, socialization, feminism, etc.
Imagine that going to the gym is one of your core values, and you marry someone who loves to exercise. Your body goals will be easy to achieve and maintain, right?
And you know what? If you will have deeper feelings for someone if their core values align with yours. Although you two have complementary values, the most important thing here is knowing your partner’s values and whether you can deal with them.
Marriage requires many compromises to succeed, but you should not compromise beyond your limit. You should only compromise on what you can take.
6. Talk about finances
Finance or money has broken a lot of relationships. This is not because of only financial
mismanagement by one party, but some people do not have any financial goals that they live by.
You may love to buy and wear only designers, but some people consider this a waste of finance. So, if you do not talk and agree about finances, you will constantly have quarrels over income and expenses.
Some couples have a joint account to monitor spending. If this can work for you and your
partner, why not? Getting real about finances is to become deliberate about spending since you have a new partner. Therefore, you two can agree to draw up short and long-term financial plans to secure your future.
Managing your finances can also include sharing financial responsibilities. For example, your partner may be paying the mortgage while you take responsibility for utility bills. This way, there will be harmony in your home.
7. There are five things more important than love; address them
Love alone is not enough to make a relationship or marriage thrive. A healthy relationship
requires the following to be successful:
1. Lifestyle
2. Core values
3. Life direction
4. Communication style
5. Love language
And when talking about these things, you must be sincere—no need to pretend because you want someone to accept you. Your partner will accept you for who you are, so no pretences and lies during conversations.
8. Marriage Designing?
Marriage designing is a very important thing couples can do to visualize their marriage.
Designing gives couples an idea of how they will live together after marriage. Of course, they could cohabitate before marriage, but a lot of changes when they become an official couple.
Consequently, for designing, it is suggested that couples start by making a list of five important shared values that will be the basis of their relationship and help them make decisions. For example:
- Respect: Ensure you define what respect means to you both and live by it.
- Honesty: Saying the truth and being factual at all times.
- Dependability: Having each other’s back and committing to do what you say you will do.
- Fairness: Are you treating your partner fairly? Are they treating you fairly?
- Loyalty: A marriage is as healthier as the loyalty of the partners.
Conclusion
It is much harder to get married now than in the past. But, today, there are many more things to think about and talk about before getting married.
Divorce costs thousands of dollars hurts children and damages both partners’ feelings. Because of this, couples must take steps to avoid divorce and build healthier marriages.
These five talks are an excellent place to start. Remember, don’t compare your relationship with omeone else’s, do what works for you two only.
