You’ve probably promised yourself that the next relationship will take you off the singles market, or you have told yourself this will be the last “I do”, you say. Then boom! It happens again. Only this time, it feels like the scene of a horror movie that you were dragged into acting in without you fully grasping the T&Cs. Again, every scene, plot, and theme look familiar, except this time, there is a new character- the one you invited into your life with the hope that it will be different this time.
You’ve probably come to the point where you have taken inventory of why all your relationships end up the way they do with you getting hurt. It could also be that your friends and family have staged an intervention to try and get you to look inward and figure out why the constant in all your tragic love stories are you and the same type of toxic characters your partner exhibit.
If you’re reading this, it shows you are ready to take responsibility for your part in attracting broken partners, so we’ll give you some pointers to pay attention to.
1. Low self-esteem
If you don’t think highly of yourself, you will be attracted to people who show you the slightest form of attention even if they are not giving you the barest minimum. When you learn about yourself, become comfortable with who you are, and treat yourself respectfully, you will naturally expect to be treated better.
You can easily spot when people are superficial because you won’t need their validation, making your space uncomfortable for them. They won’t hang around for long if they can’t control you. It would help if you took a dose of self-respect and self-awareness to boost your self-esteem.
2. The fear of being alone
Some people cannot stand the thought of being alone because they are terrified of how empty and shallow they truly are on the inside. So, they invest much time trying to make people like them or stay with them. These people are too blinded by their fear of loneliness to realize the people they keep choosing are not choosing them but hanging around to take advantage of them. Even when, by a stroke of fate, they can see through the toxicity of their partner, they are too scared to leave because they are so used to the toxicity and are afraid of change.
3. Fear of giving and receiving love
The result of back-to-back terrible relationships for most people is a resolve not to give love a chance. Some people become suspicious when anyone is showing them genuine love but are very comfortable being with people treating them poorly because it’s the only thing they’ve ever known. Their minds are programmed to tolerate broken and bitter people. Show them all the love in the world, and they won’t know what to do with it. Expect them to show love, which will amount to building castles in the air. If love terrifies you, you won’t know what to do if it stares you in the face. You must learn what love is and how to love to attract the right type of people.
4. Easy access
Everyone should not have access to your heart except they’ve earned it. You must set parameters and standards for yourself. People who meet your criteria gain access to you just like a door and its key. Where people have easy access to you because of low standards or poor perception of yourself, you end up inviting low-quality problems like broken partners that want to rip you off.
5. The need to fix people
If you are the type to derive satisfaction from mending and fixing people who went through one form of unhealed trauma or the other, you will never rid yourself of broken and toxic people. Don’t get me wrong; everyone is dealing with brokenness at some level. However, if a person who doesn’t take responsibility for the part they played in their trauma meets someone who needs to feel like a savior, then you have the perfect recipe for disaster. Some traumas are not people’s fault, but the victims are responsible for working on them and rising above them. If your validation in life comes from people needing you, then you have tons of people with a victim mentality who will leach on you.
6. Uncommunicated expectation
The disappointment from unmet or uncommunicated expectations is usually the hardest to overcome. You cannot assume your partner feels a certain way except if they say they do. Partners in relationships have lied about being on the same page with their significant others, not to mention working on an assumption you have not communicated to your partner. Clarity helps to set things straight from the beginning. If you want a relationship to end in marriage, communicate. If you want to have fun, inform the other partner.
7. Unmanaged expectation
Everyone strives for a partner to give them peace of mind, love, and attention. Also, everyone wants the Instagram standard of relationship with vacations, designer outfits, and many social media likes. People get into relationships with these high expectations that once things are not going as planned in their head, they are looking for an exit. You must understand that there is no perfect relationship out there and the ones parading to be perfect are not showing us the ugly stuff. Your partner will keep growing just as you will too. Overfamiliarity might come in, and they will unconsciously stop doing what they did to get your attention, but it doesn’t mean they stopped loving you. If you don’t manage your expectation and see your partner as a human being with flaws, you will hurt both of you.
8. People pleasing
If you are a people pleaser, you will attract the wrong crowd to your life and, most importantly, to your heart. How do you tell your partner to respect your boundary if you are a people pleaser? How do you communicate your genuine emotions if you are scared of hurting them? You can see how it is super easy for a people pleaser to attract toxic, manipulative people. It would be best if you learned that any relationship that does not survive after you set boundaries and give corrections was not meant to be in the first place.